I have been in a weird spot.
Grieving one day, fighting mad the next, wishy washy and depressed the next and all in between.
The constant is not wanting to get out of bed in the morning.
But I do. Some days I do 5 breaths and up and at 'em.
Others its 30 mins of laying in bed thinking about reasons I should get up.
Now I just get up earlier so I can do it live, day of.
How is this a prayer blog topic, you might be thinking.
I don't know, we will get there when we get there.
I can't seem to force myself to do something else so will instead talk about what I have been doing and where I have been with the father as of late.
That is simultaneously praying to be humbled and to bring my mind into alignment with the Messiah.
Most people recoil and say, " That's a silly thing to pray for because ... " (Insert your own thought there.)
But what do I have to lose? Is what I go through to be humbled any harder than the pain I have walked through already?
Just like Abba has used the previous pain to draw me near, so too will he use the least severe means to bring me close to him through humbling.
It's not like I have anything worthwhile to stand on in my pride (no matter how much I try to prop my hurting heart up).
The thing is, when I actually pay attention to my thoughts, I can no longer justify my sin.
He has truly done away with sin.
He has truly set me free.
and Each time I choose to look at porn, to hold someone in judgement, to think or speak negatively of someone, or to engage in gossip I do so willingly.
I chose to separate myself from the father for my moment of gratification that eventually turns into more shame and pain.
This has moved away from the SIN category and firmly moved into the Generational Iniquity territory.
I willingly give space to the evil thoughts of my heart. I give space to The lust and passions and self righteousness and whatever else I want in the moment.
and it breeds sin and iniquity and eventually death.
And I did these things while being ignorant of the consequences.
Then I cry out to Abba about why he feels so far away.
But he hates those who delight in sin (look up what the word hate means in hebrew).
So to the prayer topic today.
Repent of the ways you willing give sin space to grow into death in your own life.
The places it just feels good for a moment to just give in.
To just look at someone lustful.
To just hold someone in judgement.
To hold unforgiveness to anyone, thereby exalting them above the Lord your God.
Repent, forgive, make yourself low and the Lord God will lift you up, if you will let him.
I seem to be bad at the lifting up part.
Getting better at it one day, one thought, one moment, one breath at a time.
Praise be to YAHWEH the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, the Only one, the Greatest Comedian of All time, the one who truly sees me, the one who binds me up when I fall apart,
The one sacrificed his only son so that I might come in.
Thank you Abba for your long suffering, and I am sorry for provoking you to anger with my poor decisions.
Please help me to do better.